So lets talk about our childhoods for a minute. Everybody likes that right? Remember when you were a kid and you would go to mc donalds with your parents? Yeah that was always the best but god forbid if you went to that house of horror called the playplace. God. It was like being in some halloween attraction all year long. I mean for starters you had to take off your shoes and toss them in this tiny ass cubby. God forbid the cubby ever got full because those shoes are just fucking gone. Some rage filled 12 year old flung em into the ball pit and they are lost forever. So you take off our shoes and you step on that soft mat that they had on the floor so to keep kids safe or something and from step one your socks are soaked. It smells like sweat and orange crush and it just coats your feet. But you run up to the plastic castle and you start crawling around and you always ran into these two kids: sick kid and fart kid. Always. I dont know if they lived there or what but they were like the gate keepers of that place. Sick kid was the worst. Youll be crawling along and round a corner to get to that plastic world war two bubble thing and sick kid is sitting there playing with his happy meal toy and sniffing up a storm. Nose running all over his hands and shit and youre like “well what do i do now? Hes blocking the only way to the sky bridge.” And oh he never knew how to block a sneeze. Nah he just sprayed fucking flu and boogers everywhere and of course youre in a pressurized plastic tube so you get drenched in nickelodeon slime before you can even react. And the parents are like “oh timmy isnt sick he just has allergies” well bitch I’m allergic to your snot hose of a kid. I hated that kid. But everyboy wanted to go down the slide so you wait in line while the big kid pushes everybody out of the way so he can be first and when you finally get out of that pre-pubescent dmv you freeze. Because you are at the slide. And you can smell it. And it smells like the couch your aunt has that all her cats peed on. And you have a choice to make. Do i go down this nightmare tube or can i quickly escape by going the long way. And of course your parents yell at you “ok sweetie hurry up time to go” and you reply “ok mommy I’m on my way” thats a damn lie. Youre trapped. You can brave the gas chamber that fart kid set up or you can go through the splash zone again and catch ebola or some shit… Or you can go down the slide. It was the first time i had ever experienced the concept of being up shit creek without a paddle. Fucking mc donalds drew you in with the promise of fun and joy and then it fucks you. By this point your parents are impatient and yelling to hurry up because they have things to do and so youre like “fuck it. Fuck it I’m doing it for you mommy.” and so you just go for it. And as you go down this thing at bobsled type speeds, getting piss blasted because the kid with the leaky pull up went down two kids before you. During that final death push you are exposed to the final torment. I really want to meet the designer of this slide so i can kick him in the dick because what sadist would think that adding metal bolts to a plastic tube is a good idea? I mean every few seconds youre getting zapped. Ow. Ow. Fucking ow. Just horrible. And you crawl out of that slide scarred up, soaked and with all your hair on end and your parents are like “oh did you have a good time?” And youre like yeah. You didnt have fun. But you have to say yes because you want to come back for more nuggets and a vanilla shake and if you every said no those nuggets would be gone forever. And as you walk out you see that bench with ronald mc donalds smug fucking face smiling at you like he enjoyed your misery. Fuck the play place. And it was worse when you had a mcdonalds that didnt care. Everything was broken. That cool rolly tube tic tac toe thing had like one part at like some awkward angle and the other one was like nothing but o’s. And your friend would always challenge you to a game and always pick o’s. He was the same friend who would always play as captain falcon on his nintendo 64 and never let you play as him because “It’s my game. Play as somebody else” yeah that kid. What a douche. And he would always pick o’s and youre like “i can’t stop you theres no way to win” and he always acted like it was totally fair “oh you can still win. Make your move It’s your turn” no. Fuck you. Theres no hope. Just make it quick, i think i smell fart kid coming” still though. For how awful the play place was. Burger king was worse. It was like “here you little rugrats. Here is a fucking plastic helicopter and a single swirly slide. Have fun. And of course that slide sucked too. You would go down and it was so angular that you had to like matrix wall run down the thing. You sure as shit couldnt slide because youd get stuck. And you have fat kids pile up behind you yelling “hey kid get outta the way” and youre like “I’m trying. I’m pushing my way down. I can see the light at the end but im not moving! It doesnt make any sense!” I mean It’s like “I’m the skinniest kid at this place. If I’m stuck these kids have no chance” and your resign yourself to your fate. Your home is the slide now. Thats the end of it. Trapped forever. And ordering food from there was always strange. You walk in with your parents and theyre like “for the last time people. we dont have happy meals here. Mcdonalds is next door.” And your parents say “no we want a bk kids meal” and the cashier goes “wait. You… You want burger king? You want our food?!” The dude is crying happy tears and the entire kitchen is cheering because they finally had a customer and they give you that cool ass crown as a thank you. The toys sucked but that cardboard crown was boss. Or at least until your mom took it away because you kept calling her peasant and demanding tribute. But the best. The absolute best was taco bell. It was always a special treat. You get those awesome cinna twists and a soft taco and you were in heaven. At least you were until the diarrhea struck. And i loved taco bells lazy, half assed attempt at branding. That bag with the kid with spiked hair and the skateboard on it and puzzles and games and shit. And it never changed. Not once. Youre going “I’ve already solved this puzzle. Last time. And the time before that. Step your game up taco bell” still though. That food was heaven. You didnt realize it at the time but it was because your parents were broke and trying not to cry into their nachos. Thats how it was in the 90s. It was like “i have a buck fifty. Gimme 20 tacos and a large drink” nowadays after all the stoners and hipsters have gotten to it you ask for a taco and the cashier goes “thatll be fifteen bucks” what the hell? I dont remember going to chipotle?! Of course now everything has to be gluten free. I dont think most things need to be gluten free. Except my tube of toothpaste. Organic and gluten free. You just dont understand. I need that.
Thanks. It’s really just a dumping ground for random shit but i am glad you like it.
I’m spreading this shit to everybody. It’s fucking barbaric and people have gotta know. I advise doing the same.
If you whisper it just right, you can make anything sound like a cologne. Eg: “chimichanga. By ralph lauren”
Love you too, kevin.